My world was turned upside down on a Tuesday night.  The following morning, I was here at the church with my covenant group, and I just fell apart.  The ladies I had come to know so well in recent years surrounded me, with their hands laid upon me, and their voices raised in prayer for me.

It was the beginning of a long period of intense fear and anxiety, and of crushing sorrow.

Sometimes life is just too hard to bear on our own, and we are not meant to.

In the weeks and months and years that have followed, I have sought help in making sense of the unexpected ways life turned, and in finding ways to cope.  At times that looked like working with a therapist.  It also looked like leaning on a small group of friends, as well as my family.  And I joined a support group for people in similar situations; I still attend those meetings.

All these were necessary and good choices.  But they weren’t enough.

I needed hope from the only one who could truly give it.  I was desperate for it.  And I needed someone I could pour out my heart to in the middle of the night when I could not sleep.  And in the early morning hours when I was the only one awake.

I needed Jesus.

I sought Him in many different ways.  I spent more time in prayer.  I spent more time reading my Bible, and developed a strong attachment to the language of lament in the Psalms.  I began following many Christian writers, and devoured devotions that dealt with fear and sorrow, and how to live through hard seasons.  When I found something that was especially comforting or encouraging, I wrote it down in a notebook.  While taking walks or driving in my car, I filled my head with the voices of those addressing these same topics on recorded sermons and podcasts.

The notebook’s pages are dog-eared and well-worn from use, as I have turned to them again and again.  And my Bible is filled with highlights and notes scribbled in the margins.  (Okay, maybe not the book of Nahum, or another minor prophet or two, but you get the idea.)

Immersing myself in all-things-Jesus was what I was hungering for, and what my soul needed to get through each day.  It still is.

Lord Jesus, my light and my salvation.  You keep me safe in Your dwelling, You hide me in the shelter of Your tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.  You hear my voice when I call; you are merciful to me and answer me.  May my heart continue to seek Your face.  Lord, I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see Your goodness in the land of the living.  You are so faithful.  When days are hard, make me strong, help me to take heart, and wait for You. Amen (Based on selected verses, Psalm 27)